As anyone who has been following me for any length of time knows, I started Lent with two specific goals that I made public, as well as several others that I kept private. I had planned on blogging every day of Lent but as I started posting I figured it would all be boring to most people anyway and so I didn’t. However, the main thing for me was to spend extra time focusing on God and my relationship with him, which is important because right now I’m so busy I can hardly see straight. I’m taking four college courses, I graduate from my first degree in July, I work 30 hours a week at an awesome job that for the most part I love. I’m going to therapy for my eating disorders, I’m doing some yard work and planting, and I’m working out. Something has to give, and a lot of times it’s my time with God that ends up being cut out.
So today was my first day of treatment/therapy/whatever for my eating disorders. It ended up being ok but getting to know a new doctor is always rough for me, even though she seemed really nice. I feel really vulnerable talking about my life with someone I haven’t built a relationship with yet. But there wasn’t any alarm bells going off in my head about the doctor, and I think we will get along fine. Talking about the doctor, she wants me to do one thing that I was very afraid of. She wants me to keep a food journal. I was afraid she’d want me to do that, and actually I have no clue why it scares me so much but it does.
I have to say thank-you to all the people who have been supporting me, I really appreciate it and I need your support in getting well. Although I don’t know some of you very well yet, you’re all the support I have. It’s interesting really, I feel more aware of the presence of God by trying to get better. I feel like he is happy that I want to get well, he wants to make me whole, as someone who doesn’t struggle with food. Thank-you to all of you who have told me truth about myself that I have been unable to believe. I need you to keep telling me, I need lots of truth right now.
I’ve faced some pretty tough things in the past few years. First I gave everything away and packed my whole 21 first years of my life into two suitcases and moved to the other side of the world to marry a man I had known for 7 months. Then I left fundamentalism and at the time it felt like I had lost everything but in the end I gained so much. This feels tougher than any of that, this deals with something that I’ve been struggling with for seventeen years. But then again, Jesus healed the woman who had the issue of blood all those years. He wants to heal me, I know he does, and that is exciting but I’m scared about the process.
I am going to try to ,make the effort every day to wear nice clothes and makeup because those are things that make me feel good about myself. I’m going to keep persevering in my quest to eat healthy and work out. Today was an important day, it was a step towards healing.