One of the compelling things about the House of Night series is how much Zoey trusts in her Goddess, how she has conversations with her Goddess, and how she tries to make the decisions that Nyx would have her make. Of course Zoey struggles with her faith in her Goddess Nyx just as I struggle with my faith in God. There are many times where Zoey messes up, however, she never distrusts Nyx. I want to be at that point with my faith in God, where even when I mess up or when life is just tough, that I continue to put my faith in God despite the circumstances around me. Morgan in the Sweep series is the same, she’s entirely devoted to Wicca and immerses herself in it, she learns her history and her heritage and while she doesn’t understand everything, she is devoted to the Goddess. While I realize these are just stories, they show me where I want to be, they inspire me to trust.
When God says that all this crap works together for good for those who love him (of course, that’s my paraphrase), I need to believe that he really means that. When I can’t see in the dark, I need to trust that he means what he says. Yesterday my counselor and I talked about God and my perceptions of him, and how I thought that some people meant less to him than others, and that I was cynical and couldn’t understand why I had to go through certain circumstances while other people’s lives seemed so cushy right now. He challenged me to look back into my past, and see all the good and bad that happened, and how God used all of it to work good things in my life. While I have lost my husband, I don’t regret marrying him, I had four beautiful children with him and I got saved during the time I was with him. If I were still back in Australia I would quite possibly be dead or in jail, but God brought me to a completely new environment with just two suitcases full left of things out of the lifetime of things I had accumulated, and changed my life. Looking at it that way makes me grateful for the things I have gone through.
Since God has worked out all the other ugly things I’ve been through and used them for good, I need to trust that he can do that with my current circumstances, especially because I have seen him do it time and time again. My situation does not have him confused, nor is he surprised by it. I need to trust that he knows what he is doing and what he is allowing. But some days that just ain’t so easy, and my faith does waver. Jesus is the light of the world, so when I am walking in darkness like I am currently, I need to look to him, so that I can see the path. I don’t want my faith to be driven with the wind and tossed, not only is it confusing and unstable, but it completely sucks. In the words of Psalm 23: ‘Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies, thou anointest my head with oil; my cupt runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.’ Psalm 23:5-6 (KJV – King James Version was what I memorized this Psalm in when I was just a small child).
There was something that I read today that just spoke to me in a major way. ‘After this a lot of his disciples left. The no longer wanted to be associated with him. Then Jesus gave the Twelve their chance: “Do you also want to leave?” Peter replied: “Master, to whom would we go? You have the words of real life, eternal life. We’ve already committed ourselves, confident that you are the Holy One of God.”‘ John 6:66-69 (NIV). This is an important Scripture and an important declaration. That is why even in the hardest things I have ever yet had to face, I am still a Christian. Like Peter said, there is nobody else to go to, Jesus is the one that has changed my life. I’ve already committed my life to him. So while others in similar circumstances might turn their back on God, I have not been able to do that, and it’s more to do with Jesus and his beauty than any great accomplishment on my part. I’m mesmerized with Jesus and I can’t forget what he has done for me.
This is just scratching the surface of the things that I have been meditating on lately, but I have to say that I am thankful to the few people who have really stood up and challenged me and made me rethink the very way that I view God and the way that I “do” faith. There is so much more that has been going through my mind, so many more thoughts to put down, so I will be back.