Sometimes the voice of fear tells me to quit blogging and to quit writing altogether. But I can’t, and for much the same reason that I couldn’t ditch Jesus even when my faith shattered. Writing is a huge part of me, it’s a gift that God gave me and it’s part of who I am. When I choose not to write even when I want to, I am choosing to give up part of myself. I express myself much better in writing that I do with spoken communication, so much better in fact that if I get flustered or think I will get flustered, I will choose to email somebody instead of speak with them. Writing helps me gather all of my thoughts on a particular topic, therefore helping me to learn. I am one of those people who really did learn a lot by writing college essays. I’m pursuing further studies in writing now that I have graduated, and the semester starts at the end of the month.
Most of the time when I am silent on this blog it is because I feel that compared to others who write in a similar style and on similar topics to me that I just don’t measure up. Sometimes I am scared that nobody takes my writing seriously. Every day there is something inside of me that wants to write, that wants to indulge my passion, but the voices tell me not to bother. I want to share my thoughts and feelings with the world, but the voices tell me that nobody is interested, and that I have nothing of value to contribute anyway. For a long time, I have let this fear run my life, not just in the context of writing, but with everything else that I do. When I am silent on here, I am struggling with the voices. The voices are trying to deter me from pursing my dream of being a prolific blogger and author, even though God appears to be setting things up very specifically for me to work from home in this field, it is what I have felt him compel to pursue further studies in, and to specialize in.
In order to do that, I have to write. The voice of fear keeps interrupting me and telling me about all of the reasons why I shouldn’t write for every day that I don’t write. On that days that I do post on this blog, it means that I told the voices where to shove it and wrote anyway, days like today. But today I chose not only to write, but to expose those voices. I struggle with the voices in every aspect of my life, and many of my past failures have been because I have listened to the wrong voices. The voice of God is a still small voice, and yet I have chosen to heed the voices that are the most vocal and make the loudest noise. Sometimes they are the only ones that I can hear in the cacophony of things demanding my attention. The still small voice of God is far more powerful than any of those other voices can ever be, but often I am so focused on the deafening din going on around me that I forget to be still and know that he is God, and to relax and wait for the quiet voice of God to minister to me.
Tonight, instead of indulging the voices and sitting around feeling bad about myself, I burned some incense and relaxed and waited to hear from God. Even as I write this he’s empowering me to do so, letting me know that he gave me this gift as part of myself and that he wants me to share it and use it for him and his glory. When I write, I’m showing part of who he created me to be.