Struggling

I always desire a vibrant relationship with God, and in my book “The Girl With the Grace Tattoo” I discuss how that relationship has changed and how much better things are now. But even though things are better now, there are still times that I struggle and I feel so far away. This is what it has been like lately, I think part of the problem is just exhaustion. I’m working on the book, my college homework, trying to establish a business and looking for work in the meantime.

Things have been a little discouraging lately I suppose, and I’ve been working hard to change how I think about things and how I respond to discouraging events. I’m determined to keep on keeping on. Maybe I have subconsciously blamed God for these circumstances. But the biggest thing is that I have felt mostly discouraged and restless. For the past few days I have spent time praying that God would just show me his presence in all of this, and that he would give me something that would improve my relationship with him.

Tonight I opened a little prayer book, and when I read the Bible verse on the page I had opened to randomly just to skim, I knew this was my answer and my encouragement. ‘But you, Lord, are a shield around me, my glory, the One who lifts my head high. I call out to the Lord, and he answers me from his holy mountain. I lie down and sleep, I wake again, because the Lord sustains me. I will not fear through tens of thousands assail me on every side.’ Psalm 3:3-6 NIV. It’s ironic that I read this and that it was so much comfort to me because my counsellor has been strongly encouraging me to read the Psalms. And I have been looking for prayers to recite (not that I can’t pray my own, I do pray my own, I also enjoy reciting prayers).

The Psalms show some deep and honest communication with God. I tend to skip over them a lot in favor of reading from the New Testament because I guess it seems more applicable to my life because it is written for New Testament Christians. But the Bible says that all of the Scriptures are profitable to us. From this particular Psalm tonight I realized that when I pray, God hears me and he answers me. It is he that sustains me, and I’m learning that a whole lot right now with no income, no employment or prospective employment, a pending divorce, etc. Looking back I can see all the amazing ways that God has provided for me and sustained my family and I during these difficult times. I also realized it doesn’t matter if it seems like the world is against me, because even if that is true (and it probably isn’t, it just seems like it at times) that God is FOR me. And so I don’t really suppose it matters who else hates me, or spreads gossip and lies that does so much damage and causes so much hurt, it doesn’t matter the few who have chosen to act like bullies towards me, it doesn’t matter if things don’t work out the way I want them to, God is still for me, and that’s really awesome. 
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