Emerging – Part 1

From bitterness…I repent.

From dishonesty…I repent.

From running and hiding…I repent.

At some point in the last few weeks, something changed for me. It crept up on me so slowly that I was unaware, and I think it really began the day that I repented from messing with Paganism and Witchcraft. When I was honest with myself, and with God, and with another person (this is beginning to sound like a 12-step program) about what was really going on, I think it opened a gateway to healing. Which kind of makes sense because the Bible says that we will know the truth and the truth will set us free. So I suppose when I couldn’t be honest about what I was doing, who I was becoming, I couldn’t be free. I had to face myself and the reality of what I was really doing, and I had to quit hiding, hiding from God and from the one friend I knew without a doubt loved me enough to walk through this with me if I would just talk to her about it, but I was too ashamed.

It’s kind of pathetic, but I’m so desperate for respect, that sometimes I’ll sell out to try to get it, which I think is a pretty normal thing humans do when we want something so badly, but that is never the right thing to do. A few weeks ago I cried when my therapist mentioned that I might be bitter about some things, and I got upset when a dear friend said the same thing. I told them that their accusations of bitterness were hurtful because it was just a way of trying to gloss over all the hurtful things that had been done to me and an excuse for nobody having to bother about having offended me because I was also sinning by being bitter. Well, the thing is that they were right. And because I felt like I could use it to leverage respect in some circles, I fed that bitterness and kept it alive, in order to try to win friends and influence people.

Bitterness has always been a struggle for me, it’s something I go round and round and round on, taking one step forward and two steps back. It’s probably going to be something I continue to struggle with again, this time I know better than to think it won’t come up again. I didn’t even own up to the bitterness label right away, but I did start doing something differently…I started taking some real responsibility for myself and my actions and reactions, and focusing on myself makes crap that others have done to me seem kind of trivial. I saw the ugly inside of me, the parts that made me want to war against my brothers and sisters in Christ, the parts that threatened to bind me in darkness if I did not deal with them. The more that I look inward to myself and my responsibility, the more I look at the forgiveness, love and grace that have been granted to me, the more I forgive. And the more I forgive, the more bars on this prison that I have made for myself are torn down, and I can emerge.

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