Emerging – Part 5

In emerging, I’m learning so many things about myself, one of the main questions has been “who am I?” and it’s been hard to answer. Until now I’ve been operating on the assumption that I’m a victim. The horror and abuses of the past, those are the things that I have allowed to define me all this time. It’s just in the last week or so that I’ve begun to realize that there is a difference between my identity and my history. Just because things have happened to me doesn’t mean that I need to allow my history to tell me who I am.

As a rape victim, I see rape around every corner, I engage in passionately declaring that everything I ever have to face is due to rape culture and horrible misogynistic attitudes. As an abuse victim, I look at families and see abuse when there may not be any, I am suspicious of friends and neighbors because of the things I have been through. I’ve been hurt by Christians and by the church and so I attribute nefarious and ugly motives to my brothers and sisters in Christ. Being a victim I operate on suspicion, deception, anger, bitterness, and hatred, those feelings coursing through my veins supplying the necessary blood to my spiritual heartbeat. The problem with life giving blood that is made from these things is that it’s anemic at best, and it’s hard to live the full life I was meant to live if I’m tired all the time because of spiritual anemia.

The thing is, I’m not a rape victim, I’m not physical abuse victim, I’m not a victim of spiritual abuse, I’m not the victim of a bad marriage, I’m not the victim of terrible circumstances. That’s a horrible, debilitating, defeating way to live and I’m done living in defeat. Who I am is a woman who is loved by God, who has my identity in him. I’m a woman who has been raped, a woman who was physically abused, a woman who has been mistreated by those who should know better in the church, I was in a crappy marriage, and I’ve had some really terrible and devastating things happen to me. But those things are things that have happened to me, things in my past, in other words they are history. History is a record of things that have happened; history might even look into why or how, and track patterns and provide explanations.

But my history

is not my identity.

My history

does not define me.

 

I can choose

who and what

I allow to define me.

 

I am

a new creation

in Christ.

I can choose

to allow Jesus to define me

I can choose

to take my identity in him.

 

And in doing so

I can emerge.

 

Selah.

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