I’m not a very good Christian. I wish I was but I’m not. I laugh at jokes I shouldn’t laugh at, say things that I should not say, act in ways I should not act, and what’s more is I do it over and over again. Often people could look at me and never know by the way I am acting or what I am saying that I’m a Christian. I want to worship God with my life and I feel like I’m just not doing that.
I look around and I see so many other people that seem to have it all together, who are much better Christians than I am, and it discourages me because I want to be good at this Christian thing and I’m not. I do seek God, I do desire him, but I just screw up so much that sometimes I still fear that maybe God regrets even creating me because I do such a terrible job at doing right.
I feel like I’m such a hypocrite, even though I accuse others of being hypocritical also. Why is it so hard to just life like I give a crap about God and what he wants me to do? Why can’t I just suddenly be a nice person and treat people with the respect and kindness that I ought to? Why do I laugh at the crude joke even though I don’t want to simply because it’s funny and I want to fit in?
Which for me I think this fitting in thing is the whole point. In my desire to fit in, I’m holding myself back. It’s not the only problem in all of this, but sometimes I tend to idolize fitting in with a group of people, meaning I put the priority of fitting in above God and the changes he wants to make in me. I can’t let this hold me back anymore. I need to explore beliefs and questions and doubts that I have even if that means I won’t fit in with certain groups of people.
God wants me to be authentic, and that’s hard if I’m working so hard to fit in. I don’t need to be some counter cultural revolutionary if that’s not what I’m supposed to be, being against things just to be against them, but right now I do need to focus on God and not worry about fitting in with certain groups of people. I’m part of the church, I’m called to love others and to work towards unity and to follow God rather than following the crowd so that I can be just like them.
This wanting to fit in is a recurring theme for me and that’s frustrating because deep down I know better, and I know that I need to just be content to be who I am and to figure out who I am rather than trying to be who I think others want me to be, because that never works out too well for me anyway.
I need to follow Jesus, not the crowd. Like the song says: “I have decided to follow Jesus, no turning back, no turning back”.