On Sunday I entered the church a little discouraged but trying to fake it until I made it, and I was explaining to a woman how I was trying hard to make money although I could not work a traditional job right now. This has made me feel bad about myself and internalize myself as lazy or useless or worthless. I didn’t say any of those things to this woman but God knew how I was feeling and God used her to minister something special to me. During our conversation I told her that I had written a book and was trying to sell it, and that I sell used books on half.com and used items on eBay. I told her that I also sold Avon and that none of these brought in a whole lot of income but they did bring in a little.
I said that it was discouraging how hard I work and how hard I try and don’t really make much money except for a couple of dollars here and there; but that I rely on that small amount once in a while to get by. I was smiling and talking and enjoying the conversation with this woman but inside I was telling myself how horrible and stupid I am to not even have a job. Thinking I wasn’t even worthy to be at church with these people who were smart and not useless like me. But the conversation ended up being amazing, because this woman said something so profound and just what I needed to hear.
She told me: “you’re an artist, us artists piece our lives together”. I realized that what she said was true, and that my life is art that God is making with small pieces of mosaic tiles. Each individual mosaic piece is rough and out of context and doesn’t mean anything on it’s own; but you piece them together in a design and they become a beautiful work of art. I am art, and my life is beautiful and all the tiny pieces are very important.
Another conversation I had with a lady from my church was about flooring, she was telling me that if it was too hard to tile a particular area that I could just smash up the tiles and make a mosaic with them, which was not only a great idea for the floor but a great idea for me too. Yes, I have been shattered, 2013-2014 made sure of that, those years didn’t just kick my ass they shattered me. I was broken and had no idea where to turn and it was so dark that I couldn’t see. I couldn’t even see Jesus, the light of the world because my life was so dark. The pieces that were shattered will never go back the way they were; in fact I don’t think they’re supposed to. Rather than looking neat and orderly and all in line, God has chosen to create a mosaic out of my life instead.
I need to trust that the artist knows what they are doing.