I am beginning a blog series about learning that God loves me after a lifetime of shame. I plan to post on Monday and Thursday each week. I am writing this because I need to get my story out for my benefit, but I’m also writing it for the benefit of others.
You also have to know that you’re going to meet my favorite literary creature, the vampire, many times during this story. So what’s with those vampires, anyway? What kind of freak loves vampires? That would be this freak, thank-you very much.
Susannah Clements tells us in the conclusion of her book The Vampire Defanged: How the Embodiment of Evil Became a Romantic Hero: “vampires matter to us as metaphors, in what they represent. We can see in them parts of ourselves – our darkest fears or our deepest desires. The evidence of their significance is in a long, varied history of vampire lore, literature, literature, film, and television.”
Then in his book Loving Vampires: Our Undead Obsession, Tom Pollard explains that “as metaphors, vampires illumine our most secret feelings about issues too sensitive to discuss openly,” (2016, 14). He also says that “vampires symbolize hidden parts of the self.” (7).
So, that’s what the vampires are doing here, giving us a metaphor.
With that out of the way, lets begin…
One day, soon after I had turned 33, I met an Episcopal priest in a coffee shop on the Mississippi coast. She asked about some of my story and I told her some. As we were saying our goodbyes, and my promise to be in church on Sunday, she looked at me and she said: “God loves you. I know you don’t believe it right now, but God loves you, and I’m going to remind you every time I see you.”
I was always taught that the opposite of love is hate, but I’m not really sure that’s true. To me the opposite of love is shame. I say this because this is my experience with both love and shame. In the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve hid from the God who loved them because they were ashamed. Shame shows up in the first chapters of the Bible. I grew up in a cult. I’m well acquainted with shame. What I didn’t know anything about, however, was love. I learned about God’s love from an Episcopal priest and what my friend Tracey calls a “holy busybody,” an ordinary (but extraordinary, friend named Faye).
Shame sucked the life right on out of me, almost consuming me completely as I never intended to live to adulthood. Instead I had dreams of ending my own life many times because shame kept making its appearance. Mother Kate Moorehead, an Episcopal priest, says in her book about my patron saint (more about that later on), St. Mary Magdalene: “when a person feels shame, it separates that person from the essence of who they were created to be…Shame separates us from God, from each other, and from our true selves. When we feel ashamed, we run from God and we hide our true selves.” (Moorehead, 22).
The priest told me, over and over again, that God loved me. My friend showed me, over and over again, that God loved me.
Clements, Susannah. The Vampire Defanged: How the Embodiment of Evil Became a Romantic Hero. 2011: Brazos Press.
Moorehead, Kate. Healed: How Mary Magdalene was Made Well. 2018: Church Publishing.
Pollard, Tom. Loving Vampires: Our Undead Obsession. 2016: McFarland and Company.