Beyond Redemption

Right before the beginning of Lent, I read some novels that helped me process some memories. I had always seen myself as an evil person. But as the tears streamed down my face that day, I knelt beside my bed, holding my prayer beads, and I repeated, over and over “you did what you had to do to survive.”

Those were the only words I had inside of me to pray. I was exhausted from all the self-flagellation I had been doing. Later that day I drove to my church, parked my van, and just sat there, crying, and I began typing this poem into a note on my phone. I know now that God loves me, but I did not know that then. This poem doesn’t have a happily ever after fairy tale ending, it contains raw thoughts from the day I simply prayed “you did what you had to do to survive.” And I survived.

I’m a whore
I turned tricks
To get
What I needed
But at the same time
I was married

I was not
Having sex
With anybody
But my husband
I performed
To survive

I would
Have sold myself
For others too
As long as
I got
What I needed

I had no value
So why not
Prostitute myself
In order to survive
Because after all
It was just sex

It’s not like
It was anything
Because sex
Is cheap
And complicated

They said
That I was a slut
But I
Could never
Speak of it or else
It would be real

If it wasn’t real
I could keep
The demons
Deep down inside
Where nobody
Would ever see them

And if
It was real
I would go
To hell
Because I
Was beyond redemption

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