“What’s the point of living near some of the most beautiful beaches in the world, if we don’t actually go to the beach?” Faith asked?
“I guess we can go, it’s not like you’ve ever had the pleasure of seeing such a beautiful beach, but why go at night?” I asked.
“How else will we get away with skinny-dipping?” Faith asked, a cheeky grin lighting up her face.
“But we’re not supposed to…” I tried to object.
“We do lots of things we aren’t supposed to, and besides, everything will be fine as long as we don’t have sex.” She said. I wanted to have sex with her so bad. I’d never felt passion like I felt for Faith. But not only was sex before marriage a sin, but lesbian sex meant I was beyond redemption and that God hated my very existence.
I desperately wanted God to fix me, but apparently God wasn’t going to help in that regard. I wasn’t sure how long I’d be able to keep my virginity, and I wondered if perhaps even loving Faith meant I was going to hell. If that was the case, I might as well have sex with her.
“They always told us that stuff like that leads to sex.” I said.
“We know we can’t have sex, so we will refrain. But I think God will be ok with us having a little fun,” she said. I hesitated, seeing the logic in her argument but not sure that I was truly ready to go skinny-dipping in case I damned my soul to hell. Loving Faith felt natural to me, and I could not understand why God would be against love.
The waves were illuminated by the full moon, creating a mesmerizing effect. Faith reached behind me and undid my bra, without even letting me get my shirt off first. We quickly discarded the rest of our clothes. As I gazed across the waves, with the moonbeams providing the light, Faith tried to embrace me, but for reasons I wasn’t able to determine, I pushed her away. I seemed to have super-human strength all of a sudden. I didn’t understand it because I wanted to hug her. I wanted to passionately kiss her, and then jump into the ocean, naked and giggling, to play with her in the water.
But as I looked across the water to where the moon met the waves, I had an overwhelming compulsion to follow the moonbeams out into the water. I began to walk briskly towards the water, my naked body suddenly chilly. Nothing else mattered. I had to get to the water, and I had to walk in. Once I walked in, I had to keep walking towards the moon. The water was calling to me. The water wanted me. I wasn’t used to being wanted.
I knew instinctively that if I walked into the ocean, both the water and the moon would embrace me, and I would never return. I kept walking. I heard Faith call my name, but the call of the water and the moon was stronger, compelling me forward. I was going to hell anyway, so I might as well have an unholy baptism in the ocean first. I hoped Faith would forgive me, and I hoped God would forgive me. But I was never going to be the person that I needed to be, and so I allowed my demons to take over, and I walked directly into the water.