First Day!

The last couple of days have been rough and emotional for me. Today was very rough emotionally and I broke down crying but I really needed to. This eating disorder treatment thing is really hard, it’s one of the hardest things I have ever done. Even though today was a really rough day as I fought with myself all day, this was the first day since I can remember that I have 1) not binged, 2) not purged or 3) made healthy choices. I should be excited about this but inside I am worn out and extremely emotional and very unsure of myself and so it is hard to be excited.

I feel so empty and so alone. I want to celebrate my accomplishment but I tell myself that it isn’t something I’ll be able to repeat, and I tell myself that I am stupid for struggling with food like this in the first place. I mean, it’s just food, how stupid is it to struggle with something so simple? I am ugly and I know it. I’m on the verge of crying and I don’t even know why. Shouldn’t I be happy that I accomplished this? My body aches all over from a big week at work. I am trying to stay on top of my school work.

I should be happy, and yet I worked so hard to accomplish this that I am completely worn out.

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Tough Weeds

This year I’m trying my hand at a little gardening, and a few weeks ago I poisoned the weeds to try to kill them, and nothing happened. So I poisoned the weeds again, and this time they started dying. Today I bought the cheapest weed eater I could find, fired it up, and chopped up those weeds. Then I got a shovel and dug up the roots in the soil and pulled them all out. There are still things left to do, like prepare the soil properly, and plant the seeds. The seeds will hopefully sprout, grow, and produce food. However, the process of growing involves a lot of preparation.

The process of growing is messy, it sometimes hurts, and it can take a while. Sometimes there is a lot of dying and uprooting that needs to happen before any growth can ever take place. And sometimes, it’s a little easier. I have some sage plants in a pot, and all I had to do for those is put dirt in a pot and plant the plants. Sometimes the soil is already fertile and the plant has already been started, and the process of growth is a little easier.

Once the plants are planted and growing, there are still weeds that grow and need pulling out by the roots, and the plants need watering. Sometimes they get a lot of water all at once when it rains, and sometimes they get a little water from the hose or watering can.

Working through eating disorders is a lot like my gardening. Before any growth can really take place, there are lots of counselling sessions, lots of uprooting weeds of lies and negative thoughts, lots of hard work, lots of cutting up of wrong ideas or nasty words and actions of others to forgive. There is digging, lots and lots of digging, there is lots of uprooting. After that, there will need to be a foundation of fertile soil before any real growth will take place. In my yard, the weeds were so hard to get rid of because they had been growing for a long time. My personal weeds have been growing for an awful long time too, so I am not going to experience growth overnight. Sometimes that frustrates me and it seems like I’m not getting anywhere, but going through the process that I am in the yard has also been frustrating and has seemed like I’m not getting anywhere. Slowly but surely, however, things have been happening, and each thing needs to be done in order and each things takes time. It’s just the way it is.