The last couple of days have been rough and emotional for me. Today was very rough emotionally and I broke down crying but I really needed to. This eating disorder treatment thing is really hard, it’s one of the hardest things I have ever done. Even though today was a really rough day as I fought with myself all day, this was the first day since I can remember that I have 1) not binged, 2) not purged or 3) made healthy choices. I should be excited about this but inside I am worn out and extremely emotional and very unsure of myself and so it is hard to be excited.
I feel so empty and so alone. I want to celebrate my accomplishment but I tell myself that it isn’t something I’ll be able to repeat, and I tell myself that I am stupid for struggling with food like this in the first place. I mean, it’s just food, how stupid is it to struggle with something so simple? I am ugly and I know it. I’m on the verge of crying and I don’t even know why. Shouldn’t I be happy that I accomplished this? My body aches all over from a big week at work. I am trying to stay on top of my school work.
I should be happy, and yet I worked so hard to accomplish this that I am completely worn out.